Are we there yet?

Have been very slack!

2006-07-29T21:11:00.000+10:00

Yes, I know I have been very slack! Priorities were just elsewhere.

We are pleased to announce the safe arrival of you gorgeous little (Well big !! 4140g- 9 pounds 2 ounces)Boy.

Bayden Alexander born on the 19th July at 12:01am We are all doing well!

Finally got it working!

2006-01-21T19:44:00.000+11:00

Oops! It's been a while.

2006-01-18T14:28:00.000+11:00

Well I do have a bit of an excuse. We went away for 2 weeks to Tassie, so haven't been near a computer. We had a good time, but I think everyoe hyped it up a bit too much. We didn't think it was as great as everyone had said it would be. I suppose we were also comparing it to all the time we spent in Europe. You can't really compare to that and there are only so many trees you can look at!

Anyway, we had our NT scan just before we went away, well the day we went away actually. All was good and we have a very active little person in there. Heartbeat of 160. Eating it's hands (hopefully it is not a thumb sucker!). Results came back as 1:7225 which is great. Very minimal chance.

We got some great pics. The 3D ones are the best so I will pop a few on to see. (not letting me will try again later!)

I still can't believe it is real!

2005-12-23T17:07:00.000+11:00

We had another scan today and all is going well! A strong little heartbeat AND we could see our little poppet moving. It was just so amazing! Beyond words. You can even see her little arms and legs.

8 Weeks!

2005-12-13T11:24:00.000+11:00

I can't believe that I have made it to 8 weeks. I am still trying not to get excited, but at the same time this is the furthest we have gotten by far. Each day I feel myself getting evermore hopeful. I start to plan things out in my head and see us as a family. I hate it because I know I will have further to fall if things go wrong. But I really want to enjoy this pregnancy. I guess it is the curse of infertility. We are never going to enjoy this pregnancy the way a fertile couple would.

On a different note...

I am already starting to show! Many of my clothes are getting tight already. If I wear my tighter tops you can really tell that I am either pregnant or I have suddenly put on a fair amount of weight. I need to go and buy some looser tops and pants, but don't want to jinx myself by buying anything too early. Maybe I could just buy a couple of things that are a size bigger, but not maternity wear. Ah the dilemma of it all.

Well I decided to take the day off today. I just needed a sleep in and to be able to sloth around on the lounge. This tiredness business and all day queasy feeling, coupled with the heat really wears you down. Not that I am complaining. It is all a great sign to show that our little one is hanging in there. I start to panic if I suddenly feel ok for a while!

Enough from me. Thank you to all my well wishers. I really appreciate your support!

Getting Closer!

2005-12-08T18:27:00.000+11:00

We had our heartbeat scan on Tuesday and finally saw a HEARTBEAT. We have waited so long to see one and now we finally have. It was so amazing, I was absolutely stunned. Especially when the doctor pointed out a second sac. I nearly fell off the table. She said it wouldn't be viable as it was half the size and there was no heartbeat. But twin A had a very strong heartbeat, so it is all looking good.

It is sad to lose one baby, but exciting to still have one in there. But we are still taking each day as it comes. We are not getting our hopes up yet!

Dear Hubbies Cocktail!

2005-12-03T14:59:00.000+11:00

A fellow blogger asked about the cocktail of vitamins and minerals I have my dear hubby on. I don't know if it is what helped us or a combination of things, but from what I have read it is meant to help!

Bioflavinoids: 1000 mg daily
Vitamin C: 1000 mg 3 times a day with meals
Zinc: 30 mg daily
Vitamin E: 400 IU daily
CoQ10: 50mg twice daily
Mens multivitamin: Once daily

I found the following website very handy! In particular, I read the section of varicole as that is what we think is the cause of DHs problem. There is a list of vitamins under alternative treatment.
http://www.urologychannel.com/maleinfertility/index.shtml

As for our little poppet, so far so good!

Getting closer!

2005-11-22T16:35:00.000+11:00

No new blood tests. But we had a scan on Monday and all is looking good so far! And I am still not bleeing!

She is measuring at 5 weeks exactly (which she is) and we go back in 2 weeks today for a heartbeat scan.

Lets see if I can show you a picture of our poppet...

Cautiously Hopeful!!!

2005-11-17T17:20:00.000+11:00

Do I dare say it???

I am pregnant........

I had my blood test on Tuesday and our Beta HCG was 133.8 (best ever) and the even better news is that (touching wood!) I have had no bleeding yet. With my 3 miscarriages I always had bleeding from about 13dpo. This time so far so good!

We are still not getting our hopes up, but we are a little more hopeful than any of our other BFPs. We are just taking it each toilet trip at a time!

We have our first scan on Monday to see how many sacs there are. Then if we make it we are back two weeks later for the heartbeat scan. Got to make it that far yet.

It really is a horrible feeling all this waiting. You so can't relax. Every time I go to the toilet I half expect to see blood. Last night I told G, that this has to be the worst form of torture in the world. I would love for someone to put me to sleep until we get past the danger period and when it is all safe just wake me up so I can enjoy it.

So far I feel queasy at different times, have had that metallic taste in your mouth a couple of times, rather tired at night (asleep by 7:30 on Tuesday and 8:30 last night), veiny boobs and they are slightly bigger, but not sore at all. I have also had this slight pinching feeling around where I would imagine your uterus is. Sometime on the left, sometimes on the right. Maybe 2 little bundles in there?

Transferred Two

2005-11-05T20:48:00.000+11:00

After my horror EPU, we had our transfer on Wednesday and put back two very nice looking 6 cell (I think that is what she said) embies. We didn't get to see them as the new clinic still doesn't have the monitor up yet. So the 2 WW is well under way. So far I have managed to pretty much avoid thinking about it. 3 days down and 10 to go! Unfortunately, as usual, we have nothing to freeze.

I have still been feeling rather sore, especially when my bladder fills and it pushes on my poor ovaries. Last night I thought I was going to die (not literally). I stayed at mum's because we went on one of those bus shopping trips. They went to a movie so I had a girlie night with my little sis. We went to get a DVD and I was fine. Went to get some nibbles and I got the worst cramping pains. I nearly had to stop and sit down. We got home and all night I had these horrible cramps, I ended up having to take a panadol to go to sleep.

So now we wait and see!

EPU Nightmare!

2005-11-01T17:18:00.000+11:00

Had my EPU yesterday and woke up to find that the Dr had nicked a vein during the procedure and I had a fair amount of bleeding. Dr's and nurses are so casual about the whole thing.

I felt awful afterwards. They kept me in for like an hour longer than I should have and even then I begged G to ask them to let me go because I just wanted to lay down and go to sleep. When I got to the car I felt terrible and in the end we went back to G's parents, who live 10mins away because I couldn't stand the thought of having to sit up for 45mins to get home.

So after a 2 hour sleep, I felt good enough to go home. I am still a little uncomfortable, but a lot better than I was yesterday.

They ended up getting 12 eggs. Out of that 4 were immature, so they ICSI'ed 8 and from that 5 have fertilised. So we wait until tomorrow when we have our transfer at 10:30 to see if we are lucky enough to have any to freeze. Hopefully we have at least 2 to transfer.

A Life I Can't Imagine!

2005-10-29T23:33:00.000+10:00

Alexandra Misiunas

Alexandra was born in 1906, in Pastande, Latvia. She had a younger sister and two younger twin brothers. In the years before the start of World War One, she remembered living a simple country life.

Her father was called to military service and was sent to Russia. AlexandraÂs mother had a sister, who lived in the Ukraine. The sister was the manager of a large property and their life was good, so AlexandraÂs mothetraveleded with the four children to stay with her sister. However, the good times did not last long.

The Russian Revolution began and with great difficulty they escaped to Moscow, where they remained until the end of the war. As the eldest, Alexandra helped her mother look after and save her two brothers, who were often attacked by the Russian boys.

While in Russia, she attended Russian schoolÂs and learnt the language. When they finally returned to Latvia, Alexandra had to relearn the language, but with hard work and determination, she was able to attend University. She did not complete her studies, as she met and married Francis Misiunas, who was a pharmacist, in 1931. Together they bought a house and Chemist shop in Vandzene. In 1932, she had her first child, Livia, followed closely by a disabled son.

They worked hard, but life was good, until 1941 when they communists occupied Latvia. They nationalized their business, but the worst was to come when her parents and brother were deported to Siberia. Her two Uncles were also put in prison and never seen again.

After that came the German occupation and retreat in 1944, before the RussianÂs returned. Alexandra, with her husband and children, fled to Austria. They had escaped the CommunistÂs, but their troubles were not over. The War ended, but life in the refugee camps did not get any better. No food, no heating and living in a camp not made for the cold Austrian winters.

To survive, she worked in an ex-German military house for the English officers at the top of a mountain in Vilach. Each day she made the trek partly on cable car and the rest of the way on foot.

In 1950, with her husbandÂs health deteriorating, Alexandra decided to send her daughter to Australia, where she would have a better life, while she stayed in Austria with her dying husband, sister and disabled son.

In 1956 her husband passed away and she migrated to Sweden. Again she settled into a new life and learnt a new language. With great determination willpower and strength, she kept her son with her until she was in her early 90Âs. Even with him in a home, she kept in touch and made sure he was well looked after.

She lived by herself until the age of 95, when she eventually moved into a nursing home and let people finally look after her.

Paying Tribute to an Amazing Woman!

2005-10-26T17:24:00.000+10:00

Just wanted to say farewell to an amazing woman, who lived an amazing life.

My Great grandmother, Alexandra Misiunas, aged 99 passed away in the early hours of Tuesday morning (Sweden time).

Although we never got to see her very often as she lived in Sweden, she was a shining light in our lives. She was a tower of strength for us all.

She will be greatly missed!

I will come back in a couple of days to tell her life story. It is truly inspiring.

Been Laying Low

2005-10-25T16:55:00.000+10:00

As you would (well those of you that have read my blog) we have had 3 miscarriages. So far with IVF 50% of our embryos implant. Our problem is making them stick. In the holidays we got some bad news in regards to a SCSA test DH had done. Basically we were told we have a very minute chance of carrying a baby to term due to the results.

At first I thought it was the end of the world, but now after scouring the internet, I have found some possible solutions (and the most likely cause for these results) to improve our chances. I now have DH on a cocktail of vitamins and minerals, 9 tablets each morning, 2 at lunch and 2 at dinner. Most of these improve the quality of blood vessels and blood flow especially to certain male nether reigins. If that fails I have another card up my sleeve, but I will leave that for another time.

I also did some research into possible ways to make better quality embryos (so we get a take home baby), I sent an email with all this info to my Dr and am waiting for an answer back. So only time will tell.

Damn spell check isn't working, sorry for any typos!

Where is the time going?

2005-09-30T17:12:00.000+10:00

So far from my list I have managed to complete:

Vacuum
Mop
Wash the venetians (only half of them)
Plan for next term (half way there too)
Basically clean the house in general!!

I have stained some of our new outdoor furniture. Will finish the rest tomorrow!

So far I still need to:

Iron 3 baskets of washing (glad I have lots of clothes)
Paint the window seat
Fix up the back garden
Paint the ensuite
Make the window seat cushion
Finish our Overseas Holiday Scrapbook
Clean out my cupboard of old clothes
Clean out the pantry
Clean the oven
Put a second coat of paint in the guest bathroom and toilet (I did the first coat last Dec)

So far G has:

Put up the shade cloth out the back

He still needs to:

Set up broadband for my grandmother
Clean the garage
Finish paving down the side of the house
Complete a 10 000 word essay for Uni
Clean out the study ( I was going to do this, but it is his mess so I think he should do it.

He doesn't have to:

Help my stepdad lay floating floorboards

I still have quite a long list. Oh well I have been doing some nice things as well. Went to the Hunter overnight. Went to lunch and IKEA with a friend today. So I have reasons for not getting it all done. Oh well I still have a week to go.

One Week till the Holidays!

2005-09-18T21:41:00.000+10:00

Why do weekends go so fast?

Didn't really achieve all that much this weekend! Did no cleaning or ironing. Managed to do food shopping, go to Ikea and go for a walk, have KFC for lunch down the river and have a birthday dinner for my Grandma. That is about all. Not much in 2 days. Oh on Friday night I went to a Body Shop party and out dancing.

I have a list a mile long of all the things I must do through the holidays!

Lets see. If I list them here I may actually do them...

Vacuum
Mop
Iron 3 baskets of washing (glad I have lots of clothes)
Wash the venetians
Paint the window seat
Make the window seat cushion
Clean out the study (Damn G can't keep it clean)
Fix up the back garden
Put a second coat of paint in the guest bathroom and toilet (I did the first coat last Dec)
Paint the ensuite
Finish our Overseas Holiday Scrapbook
Clean out my cupboard of old clothes
Clean out the pantry
Clean the oven
Clean the kitchen cupboards
Basically clean the house in general!!
Plan for next term

That isn't even mentioning G's jobs!

Finish paving down the side of the house
Put up the shade cloth out the back
Clean the garage
Help my stepdad lay floating floorboards
Set up broadband for my grandmother
Complete a 10 000 word essay for Uni

Let's see how many actually get done!

Life is that cruel!

2005-09-14T22:32:00.000+10:00

Turns out that out little fighter stopped growing a few day ago. We could see a tiny little blob on the screen, but it was way too small for this point in time.

So they will keep an eye on my beta HCG levels and as long as my levels start to drop they will let me naturally miscarry. If my levels don't drop they will look at a D and C. Mind you the Dr was pretty sure I wouldn't need that.

We, well I have a few more blood tests to have done tomorrow to see if they can find anything. Apparently with these last few, they are so rare that she thinks it unlikely to have any bearing, but was happy to get them done to rule them out. Dh also had his SCSA test done today, so hopefully we can rule that out too.

So far they can't find anything wrong. Could it all just be bad luck? Would going to another clinic really help? Especially seeing as I really like my Dr.

Well whatever it is we are not ready to give up yet. We will do another cycle with this Dr as soon as my body allows it!

Is Life Really this Cruel?

2005-09-13T23:43:00.000+10:00

Could it really be happening after all we have been through? Am I miscarrying? Or is this light bleed just one of those things that some women go through? Is this weird sensation I am feeling a miscarriage or is it wind? Am I feeling stabbing pains that is my baby dying or is it my uterus stretching? Am I feeling pain? No, just discomfort.

Would life be so cruel that the evening before I am meant to go for my heart beat scan I miscarry my baby?

I don't know what to do. Do I go to emergency and tell them I think I am miscarrying even though I am not in any pain? Will they just send me home to wait it out? Will I have to sit in the uncomfortable chairs waiting for our turn, getting more tired and uncomfortable? Is it just better to wait it out at home in my bed, where I can cry myself to sleep?

I feel sick to my stomach thinking that we have gotten so close, yet we are still so far away. I feel sick that our little one put up such a fight to come and meet us, but my stupid body couldn't help make it happen. I feel sick that my baby will end up in a toilet or a bin and not in my arms.

Yep I think life is very cruel!

I am sick of this roller coaster! When can I get off and enjoy one of the nice, fun rides?

The Worst Form of Torture in the World!

2005-09-10T09:59:00.000+10:00

Wow! What a horrid last couple of weeks.

I had another blood test yesterday and guess what, my levels have doubled twice since Sunday. No one can explain what is going on, other than now things are starting to look positive.

We are not out of the woods yet. Especially as I started spotting again last night (no pain). But we are one step closer and are still technically pregnant.

We have a scan booked for Wednesday and will hopefully see a heart beat. But again we are just taking each day as it comes. G is actually thinking of ringing the clinic later on and seeing if we can get a scan tomorrow just to help ease our minds a little! Don't know what our chances are. I am thinking that the nurses won't want to do it. So it will be a wait to see the Dr.

Sorry Guys. Just writing this and thinking about it. I realise this must be torture for you too!

Our Angel Is Still Fighting?????

2005-09-05T17:42:00.000+10:00

Man this is getting ridicules!

Had another blood test yesterday expecting that it would have gone down, but no! It is still going up. Slower than average. It took 96 hours to double, but apparently (according to Betabase) they have had women get a heartbeat with doubling times of like 3 and 4 hundred hours. So I just don't know what to make of it.

I have hunted the forums to find success stories and Yep some women go on to have healthy pregnancies even with the slow beats. Of course there are many that go on to have miscarriages.

My nurse spoke to my Dr and even she has no idea what is going on with my body and can't explain it! How can I possibly know. Mind you they are certain that the pregnancy will end. It is just a matter of time.

I guess the positives are the spotting has all but stopped. I still have very sore boobs and I still get that yuck feeling at times. So I guess that is because at the moment I am still technically Pregnant! Who knows if it will be viable or not.

Gotta love G though. Typical boy question when we got the results. "Does that mean our baby may be special? You know have a disability or something? Is that why the levels are going so slow?" I nearly had to laugh, but he was deadly serious! It was so cute. The only thing I could manage to get out was " At least we would have a baby and I don't care if it is Special or not!"

What I hate about TTC!

2005-09-01T19:49:00.000+10:00

OK a very short break. I am back and feeling ok. Still a little sad (obviously) but focused on finding some answers!

The thing I hate most about all of this is how it is affecting my family - DH, our parents and my little sister in particular. I have a cry whenever I need to. I talk to people about it and write about it. Generally I feel I am coping quite well with this whole process. Yeah sometimes I may lack motivation to clean the house or do school work or go out, but so far I have been strong and will stay strong. I have a goal and I am going to achieve it!

Poor DH just feels like he has to be strong for me. I hate that he feels like he has to be like that. I hate that he has been robbed of the joy of waking up one day to an excited me telling him I am pregnant. I hate that he knows about spotting, bleeding, old blood and fresh blood and HCG. I hate that he gets upset when other people tells us they are pregnant. I hate that he is still waiting to hold his little miracle.

I hate that my mum has to go through this with us. I hate that she cries with me through all this. I hate that she wants to protect me from this and that she wants to take the pain away, but doesn't know how. The same with my dad, who feels helpless that he can't do anything to help. I guess it is like when you are a kid, they try to do everything they can to make your life good. Then something like this comes along and they can't do anything.

I hate how it is affecting my inlaws. I hate that my mother-in-law, who has MS, doesn't have any grandchildren to enjoy before she gets too sick. That my father-in-law somehow feels that he is partly to blame as he gave DH the chromosomes that have sent us along this path and it gets him down each time we get bad news. That he can't do anything to help us.

I hate that my little 13 year old sister, who knows that we need help to get pregnant and have lost three babies worries so much for her big sister.

I also hate how my other sister (the one who has a child) doesn't know how to react when I tell her IVF things. Like when I tell her we are going to lose this baby she responds with "Oh, ok"

Not to mention my grandmother and Great grandmother.

I hate that the people I love have to go through all of this with us. I am so glad that they are there for us, but I wish that I could just surprise them with a little miracle. I hate that they have to be strong for us.

Another little Angel in Heaven!

2005-08-31T14:41:00.000+10:00

Just an update to let you know what is happening, before I take a break from all this TTC business.

We had another blood test today and the HCG has only gone up by 100, not doubling like it should. So it doesn't look good at all.

This little one was a fighter, but I expect (and so does the Dr) that this one will go in the next few days. We have another b/t on Sunday to confirm the loss.

Thank you so much to those of you who have been so supportive throughout this whole saga. I appreciate it SO much. Your support means more to me than you will ever know.

I won't be gone long, so I will see you all when I am ready to move forward.

The waiting is killing me!

2005-08-28T20:17:00.000+10:00

I am a paranoid control freak who can't relax about the spotting/ light bleed. So I asked the nurse on Friday if I could have a follow up blood test, just to make sure everything was going ok.

Well my levels have gone up but not quite doubled. 115 on Friday and 193 today. So 37 off doubling. Is it something to cause concern? Aparently not! But I should come in on Wednesday for another blood test just to make sure the levels are still rising.

I have still had some spotting. Not too heavy, which is a good sign. No major cramps or anything. My tummy feels tight, not flabby like it usually does when I get my periods. Boobs are a little tender (or is that from poking them too much?) Feel sick at various times through the day and feel really tired, even though I sat on my butt resting all day...

So now to try and stay as calm and relaxed as possible for the next few days! HA!!! Now that is a good joke. I can't imagine that happening too easily! Mind you I haven't cracked yet. No fits of tears, no lashing out at G. Maybe this little poppet is a fighter and wants to stick around!

Wishing my life away again... bring on Wednesday.

How hard is all this waiting! Why can't anything be simple?

2005-08-27T16:44:00.000+10:00

Well guys I am pregnant again! I finally got the congratulations phone call instead of the "we need you need to come back for another blood test." My Beta HCG was 115. Best ever. Previous ones were 80 and 36. So one hurdle jumped. I asked for another blood test for Sunday, just to ease my mind.

I am still spotting. It eased Thursday night and Friday day, but started up again last night and is still going today. Not as heavy as the last times when we have had the chemical pg's. But today it is slightly heavier, though not as heavy as a light period.

I just have this horrible sinking feeling that it is going to happen again. I know it is very common for women to spot during early pg. But when does spotting end and bleeding begin? What kind of AF feelings are normal and which ones indicate a miscarriage?

Are a couple of clots normal for spotting? Did both our embies implant and I am miscarrying one? All these questions and no answers.

Why can I just fall pg and be blissfully happy about it and not have to worry about all these things!

Could it really be happening again????

2005-08-24T17:57:00.000+10:00

This has gotta suck!

I did a HPT and Yay... I am Pregnant!!!!! (again!) Got a +ve at 11dpo, but I am F^*king bleeding again at 12dpo. Well it is really only spotting, but that is how it all starts! By tomorrow morning chances are it will be a full bleed. Going by previous standards anyway.

I know it ain't over until the fat lady sings and all of that. But how do you stay positive in times like these???? Why can't I just get past 4 1/2 weeks without these kind of setbacks? Am I doing something wrong? Is there something someone has forgotten to tell me about all this baby making business? Am I meant to stand on my head for the 2 weeks? Or is it that I need to drink myself stupid and smoke 25 a day? Must be some other way of keeping these embryos around.

There must be an answer. Surely it can't still be bad luck, not after my 6th transfer.

Man, I don't even know if I am still spotting. But then I don't feel pregnant anymore either. Breasts aren't tender, and not feeling sick either for that matter!

I guess only time will tell!

An afternoon spent crying...

2005-08-18T17:24:00.000+10:00

Whether you see this or not I do not know. Nor will I know for sure even if you are the person I am thinking it is. As to the comments I am making??? I explained my first comment about not wanting to be left behind. I wasn't wishing you a negative result. I also don't see how my last comment is offensive to you at all. All I have said was that someone came and fore warned me that you had had your baby. How is that offensive? She was only looking out for my well being and I was merely stating that she is a great friend for thinking about how I would take that kind of news in front of a class full of people. It was no disrespect towards you at all. I am sorry if you took it that way!

She knew I was having a bad time at that stage and wanted me to find out before it was announced publicly so I wouldn't have to try and keep myself composed in front of a class full of children.

I am happy for you because you have your miracle and you don't have to ever experience what I have had to go through. I wouldn't even wish this on my worst enemy! But it doesn't mean I have to be there cheering you on from the sidelines, you have other people for that! I have to think about my own sanity first!

This is purely a case of SELF PRESERVATION! Me staying sane through this tough time. Me getting through every day. Day after day waking up knowing that I don't have a child. Knowing that maybe one day I may never have a little bundle of joy of my own. Knowing that I may never experience what it feels like to feel a baby growing inside of me, experiencing giving birth or holding my baby.

So maybe you need to put yourself into my shoes for a few minutes to see that this is not about you... It is about me and how I am feeling. It is about ME!

I just wish you would read my stuff for what it is, not for what you think it is. I honestly had no intention of my post coming across that way. I also wish that you could realise I am not doing this to you. I am doing it for me. I don't think you realise how hard this journey is for me. Yes you know what the IVF process involves, but not the repeated failure. I am up to my 6th transfer. I have had 4 stim cycles and 2 FETs. I have had 2 definite miscarriages and one possible. I have been doing this stuff for a year, not mentioning the year and a half before that. I don't ever know if this is going to work. But I am going to appreciate the love and support my friends show me even when they don't understand what I am going through.

Your comments really hurt me because I never wrote that post with malice or hate or anything like that. I never wrote anything to hurt you. I don't hate you. I don't resent you having a baby. I just don't understand why you keep thinking I say things to hurt you?

You know what makes me even sadder, I would have thought that the quilt I made for your little miracle would have shown you exactly how happy I was for you. It is not exactly the kind of thing that someone who isn't happy for you does.

I don't know what else I can say to make you see that there was not intention to hurt. I just hope you can see that.

4 down 11 to go!

2005-08-16T21:19:00.000+10:00

I have only had to wait four days and I am already slowly driving myself crazy. The hard part is trying to find things to do to keep me occupied! There is nothing good on T.V. either. Well I will have to start a good book!

Stay tuned to watch one lady slowly go crazy. Especially when the time gets close enough to do a HPT...

A new bumper sticker label... Embies on Board!

2005-08-15T22:25:00.000+10:00

We have two beautiful embryos on board. A very lovely 8 and a gorgeous 6 cell. Hopefully at least one of these little poppets is a real fighter and sticks in the next few days.

Eleven days until our blood test. This week should be good ok, but next week is the killer. As of Saturday I have a very jam packed diary thanks to my fabulous friends that will do anything to make this ride easier.

I have brunch, a 5th birthday party, a picnic, movies, dinner and shopping to keep me occupied. Along with work I should barely have time to even worry about the two week wait. Hopefully time flies.

Just another waiting game!

2005-08-13T19:56:00.000+10:00

The hardest part of this whole process is waiting for a progress report on the embryos and waiting to see if you will make it to transfer. I find it even harder than the whole two week wait.

Yesterday we had our egg pick up. Our numbers were lower than the first three times, but so far we have better fertilisation than ever before. Possibly better quality?? We just have to hope they make it to Monday. Longer than ever before!

The old clinic would transfer 2 days after pick up. So for example Friday pick up, Sunday transfer, but we have to wait until Monday. It is sheer murder.

I just want my two (well hopefully we have two by Monday) lil' embryos back on board. Where they can snuggle in deep. I am feeling more positive about this cycle. My thyroid is back to normal, so here is hoping this is the one.

Am I becoming psychic?

2005-08-06T13:59:00.000+10:00

Or is it that four small words can only mean one of two things? What are those four small words I hear you ask???

"Just so you know..." The next few words that follow are always So and so is pregnant or So and so had a baby. Now I can usually guess which words will follow. It only ever comes when there are plans being made so I can usually guess who it is as well, hence the am I psychic.

I guess I am not psychic, just very logical.

So why this post today??? Well I have coped it twice in the 24 hours. Yesterday at school, the teacher who had recently gone on maternity leave had her baby and one of my friends came and said "Just so you know r had her baby today and there is going to be a message about it on the board..." Love my friend, she always knows the right thing to say and how to say it, even though she doesn't have kids or is anywhere near trying. She always thinks of my welfare first!

The second came today, when mum asked if we wanted to go on a picnic and my two step aunts and families were going. One has four children and the other just recently married and made it publicly known that they would try straight away. Well I went to watch my sister play netball and mum said " Just so you know..." and before she could even finish the sentence I completed it for her. She was surprised and thought someone else had told me. Alas no! Just those psychic abilities coming through.

So now I am just waiting for the third "Just so you know..." Things always happen in threes. So maybe it will be our other pregnant friend!

One down ? more to go...

2005-07-30T11:42:00.000+10:00

I know I can inject myself, it wasn't until the second cycle that I did as I just couldn't bring myself to do it, until one night I had to. So for the rest of the second cycle and the third cycle I did it all by myself.

This time I just feel like this might be the one so I have got G doing them for me. I want him to be more actively involved. He comes to all the Blood tests and stuff, but he may not be able to come to the transfer this time because of work commitments, so he is doing all of my injections.

I am on 150iu of Gonal-f. A very small dose compared to many girls. I am also very lucky in that I do not bruise. G is also good at injecting and very rarely draws blood.

Last night I had my first, so how many more to go...

Nearly there...

2005-07-28T21:56:00.000+10:00

It is back on the stims as of tomorrow. It always goes quickly from here! Egg pick up should be around the 10th of August. Give or take a couple of days. Then transfer 2 days later.

I am at that point where I am feeling optimistic, yet at the same time, in the back of my mind I hear this little voice saying "don't be stupid, it hasn't worked the last 5 times, why should it work now???"

I know, I have to be positive. I want to be positive and believe it will happen... But if I am too positive and it doesn't work then I have so much further to fall.

I hate these mixed emotions. I just can't wait until I don't have these emotions to deal with.

I think when the time comes and I do end up with a viable pregnancy, I am going to totally freak out. I won't know what to do with myself.

Is this Positive or Negative?

2005-07-21T20:36:00.000+10:00

We went to see the Fertility Specialist to get all our Karyotyping results today....

The good news is that they all came back normal. This means that we should be able to have a viable pregnancy that is chromosomal normal. We should be able to get past 4.5 weeks.

The bad news is we still don't know what is causing us to miscarry at such an early stage. The Fertility Specialist said that it could be the Thyroid and we will try and rule that out (or I guess rule it in) by using the tablets I was prescribed. If it is then we have found the problem and hopefully overcome it, if not then I don't know where to next really... Maybe a change of clinic???

But that is a decision for another day!

What is my body doing???

2005-07-19T21:46:00.000+10:00

Since I first got my period at 13, I have always had a regular period -27 or 28 days. Only once have I had a very short 22 day cycle and once a 31 day cycle, both which happened in consecutive months. Possible miscarriage, who knows? Along with the nice regular period, I have also been lucky enough to very rarely experience pain. I recall one time during High School at about 15 and a few times during the last few years, but on the whole I have been very lucky.

Now I don't know what my body is doing. Last month my cycle was a couple of days short again, fair enough I thought. The one after another chemical pregnancy, it must have something to do with that. This month though, I ovulated as normal, (Yes I am one of those freakish women who can tell she is ovulating... I feel it. I have been able to for about the last 3 years) but since about cycle day 18 I have had cramps on and off- It is now CD23. Not all day and not at the same time of the day. Not that stretchy feeling associated with early pregnancy, but not that crampy feeling that I get about 4 days before AF. It is different somehow. Is it from the saline sonohystogram I had done on CD10? Or as optimistic dear hubby says..."Do you think you are pregnant???" It is so hard to gently let him down without crushing his ego. The chance of us falling pregnant is less likely than a huge chunk of the moon breaking off and landing on our little house! I so love that about him. Even after all we have been through he still thinks it may just happen naturally for us.

Still it would be lovely to know exactly what this body of mine is doing!

Have I lost focus?

2005-07-18T22:41:00.000+10:00

Is this possible or is it a way of making myself feel better?

I was sitting by myself today after a busy day at work and all of a sudden I felt a sense of complete clam. It is hard to describe. I suddenly realised that I can no longer imagine myself being pregnant. I can't even imagine myself holding my own child. I no longer see the picture in my minds eye of our happy family of 4. I only see myself and my dear husband. The troubling part is that I really feel okay about this. It was almost like my subconscious had made a decision about my future without my knowing. It all seems so surreal that I am actually trying to get pregnant. It is like it is not me anymore. It is someone else's dream. I can still see us travelling in the future, but not our children.

Have I lost focus or is it a coping mechanism? By detaching myself from my hopes and dreams means it cannot hurt as much if it never happens. Am I preparing myself for the inevitable???

I found it... I think???

2005-07-17T12:33:00.000+10:00

Finally I think I have found my motivation. Well at least that is what I though at 11:30pm last night when I was madly racing around the house tidying it up. I even did a pile of school work! Mind you it was hard getting up this morning. The body was willing, but the brain wasn't!

It is interesting... I think I have actually found the problem or rather the cause of my downers. It is whenever I have nothing to do. Like during holidays. We got out a few times and on those days I am fine, but when I have nothing but housework to look forward to I get into a real rut.

I think I am one of those people who needs to always be doing something to keep my mind occupied. It is the times when there is nothing to occupy my mind that I find myself heading in that downward spiral of laziness and depression. I start thinking of not having a baby. Wondering why? Thinking about what we will do if we never have a baby. It then becomes an excuse for not doing anything.

I realised this late last night because we go back to school tomorrow. It gives me something to work for, something to occupy my time and mind. Something that is worthwhile. Sure housework can occupy my time, but it is not very stimulating and after it is done all I have to look forward to is sitting on the lounge watching the television.

I have come to the realisation that during my next holidays I have to plan something to do. It either needs to be a holiday where we go away and cram as much site seeing in as possible or I have to plan as many activities as possible.

No more sitting around feeling sorry for myself. I have a life that is worth living. A life with a fantastic husband (don't tell him that or he might get a big head!), great family and wonderful friends. Maybe it does not include the baby I had imagined, but it is a darn good life and I plan on living it!

Where has my motivation gone?

2005-07-13T18:13:00.000+10:00

This whole experience has left me feeling so flat of late. I don't have the motivation to do daily things. I know that at the best of times it is hard to be motivated to do the cooking and cleaning, but the further we go down this track, the harder it gets to do those daily chores.

I hate that I feel this. It is so not me!

One day I feel fine and the next I couldn't even be bothered cooking dinner. Thankfully I have a wonderful and supportive husband who often picks up the pieces and does what I haven't had the mental energy to do.

I don't have the motivation to do anything. I feel like I am wasting my life away. I so hope we get pregnant soon. I just can't help but feel this time won't be our turn either!

Always a Waiting Game

2005-07-13T15:24:00.000+10:00

Trying to concieve is always a waiting game. We saw the Fertility Specialist, what seems like ages ago! We didn't even have to ask for more tests. She was ready and armed to have them done anyway.

So we had all the blood tests done and I had a Sonohystogram done. I have a very average uterus with a nice smooth lining, so that is not our problem. All the blood tests that have come back so far have all been okay, but my Thyroid came back slightly high. So it was off the the Endochronologist, who doesn't think that is the problem as the levels are so slightly high. But... it is worth ruling it out. So I am on an anti-thyroid tablets just incase it helps. Anything is worth a go these days.

We are also waiting for Friday when I start Provera. We will then wait until Monday when I start the Syneral. From Monday we will wait until Thursday when we see the FS to get the results of the Chromosome tests. From there it will be waiting for the injections to start and so the cycle will continue. At the end of this cycle we will hopefully end up waiting for our own little miralce to be born. That is one type of waiting I can't wait to start!

Another one bites the dust...

2005-06-05T22:23:00.000+10:00

After all the dramas of doing a HPT and the am I or am I not. Turns out that I was. Yay! But all too soon it left us. This one was not meant to be. We have had another Biochemical pregnancy. So far both chemical pregnancies have ended before we have had a chance to enjoy being pregnant.

The first ended at 4 weeks and 4 days. This time it was right on 4 weeks. Apparently this is called a menstrual miscarriage.

We don't yet know why our little miracles keep ending this way. As far as I can figure out it is most likely to be chromosomal.

At least we don't have to wait too long for our follow up appointment. We see our Fertility Specialist this Thursday. We are armed with many questions and know what tests we should have done.

Hopefully we can get the answers we need to finally get the baby we so desire! Otherwise it may be time to find another clinic.

To HPT or not to HPT?

2005-05-30T19:15:00.000+10:00

That is the question. The clinic tells you not to, your mind tells you to. You do and it puts you out of your misery as you know one way or another. Creates misery because it is not the result you were hoping for.You get confused because you can't interpret the results. You don't and you have all those extra days to wait.

So you wait as long as humanly possible and do a test. You wait out the 5 mins and nothing... 1omins later and there is a feint line. Is that a feint line because you are pregnant or is it a residual line and you are not pregnant??? You read the leaflet that comes with the test and it says nothing about a maximum time, only that "a final decision should not be made before 5mins." So does that mean I am pregnant or not????

The point... Don't test too soon!

Down the ART road

2005-05-28T19:45:00.000+10:00

July 2004 we embarked on the road to IVF. We had obviously heard of it before, but had no idea what it involved, let alone anyone else who had been down that road. We went into our first appointment blind. We had no idea what to expect.

Our first appointment was like a punch in the face. Things looked worse than we had originally thought. Not IVF, but ICSI. The most extreme form of of Assisted Reproductive Technology. We signed all the papers and things went quickly from there.

We started the nasal spray and the injections, countless bloodtests. We were so excited. We knew there was a chance it might not work but we were optomistic.

To our great joy it did work first go. We were pregnant after almost a year and a half of trying. Sadly, our joy was to be short lived. At 4.5 weeks I had a biochemical pregnancy. A very early miscarriage. We had lost our precious little miracle too soon. We had barely had time to enjoy being pregnant. Within a week of finding out it was all over.

Six weeks later we were back on the roller coaster. This time it was an FET (Frozen Embryo Transfer). This time we were not so lucky. We got a flat out negative result. Another six weeks before we could start anything. We scraped in before christmas by the skin of our teeth. Our second stimulated cycle. This time it was sure to work. We were on holidays, relaxed... it had to work. We were crushed when it came back as another negative. In March, our 2 year mark of trying to concieve brought with it another FET and other negatvie result.

Two stimulated cycles and 2 frozen transfers brings us to May. Another stimulated cycle. This time instead of replacing one embryo, we decided to put back two. Increase our chances of getting a positive result.

Five days to go until we get the result of this cycle. I am driving myself completely crazy. Trying to analyse my body and see what is different. Lots of feelings and changes. All completely confusing. The drugs they give you have many side effects... of course most of them are the same as pregnancy symptoms.

So here I am on a Saturday night, going slowly crazy. Not knowing whether to listen to my heart that is telling me that this cycle has worked or my head which is telling me that it has not...

Where the journey began...

2005-05-28T17:17:00.000+10:00

My dear hubby (G) and I met on July 11 1998. Of all places in a pub. I was a bet between he and his mate, unbeknownst to me. We were engaged 10 months later on the 10th May 1999. Married on the 8th July 2000. 3 days shy of knowing each other for 2 years.

Both being Primary school teachers, we decided to embark on the adventure of a life time and live in the UK. We were only in our early twenties. I was 23 and my hubby was 24. We had plenty of time before we needed to start trying for a baby.

We spent just over 2 years working and travelling. We saw so many amazing sights, did so many amazing things. Travelled for a total of 7 months over the 2 years. Some of our favourites included the Ice Hotel in Sweden, the Pyramids of Egypt, not to mention the numerous European destinations.

Our time came to an end and we decided in September 2002 at 25 and 26 it was time to come home, be grown up and get ready to have our own family. We lived with my mum and stepdad so we could save for a house deposit.

During our time in the UK we never used contraception, we just avoided that time of the month and thought we had been very lucky not to fall pregnant.

In March 2003, we decided it was time to start our family. Within then next few months we were going to buy a place of our own, the timing was perfect.

Month after month we tried and failed. It felt like a failure everytime my periods would start. We used Ovulation Predictor kits and they told us I was ovulating. We tried propping my backside up with a pillow, the legs rasied and nothing helped. Eventually months turned into a year and we decided that it was time to get some help.

We saw a dotor, who tested G, then told us that he had a motility problem and sent us off to an Andrologist. They said we could keep trying although our chances were very slim or we could head to IVF. IVF that dreaded word.

Up until this point no one had bothered to take a look at me. I felt so uneasy that the doctors were willing to think that the problem lay only with G. All I kept thinking was what if the problem was with me too. So I changed doctors, found a female one and explained our situation and my concerns to her. Straightaway she sent me off for a barage of tests and found that I have a slightly overactive thyroid and insulin resistance. So it was off the an Endochronologist for me.

We saw the Endochronologist and he advised us to start IVF straight as soon as we were ready. We got our referral, made the appointment and our journey began.